Winding Down

What's it like, when you reach a certain age? An age most people don't reach, an age you never thought you'd reach, and you still just keep going?

You have a minor heart attack. You're in the hospital overnight, then back to your one room again.

You have a small stroke. There's nothing anyone can really do, is there?

Your blood pressure drops, but you refuse to go to the hospital. After all, what's the point anymore?

You begin to sleep a lot. Maybe you're preparing for what comes next, maybe you're just tired.

You read your email but you don't answer it, because what is there to say?

You're 100 years old. There's a fairly good chance you're tired. Perhaps you think with enough rest you can get back to where you were, but there is no cure for old age, is there?

So you sleep, you wake up each day and wait for the next event, minor or major, that will make the difference.

You feel like you're on your own death watch.

When did you realize you wouldn't last forever? When did those around you realize it? You've never had any health problems. You just kept going. Decades passed so swiftly that perhaps you didn't realize you were aging, or perhaps you did and accepted it, or perhaps you did and rejected it. What would any of us do? How can any of us know until it happens to us?

You became slower with time. There was never a catastrophic incident, never a major health issue, you were never hit by a truck and close to death. Time just marched on and took you with it.

And with it you went. Until you find yourself here. You sleep, and you wait. You know it's only a matter of time, but no one knows how much time, do they? Today? Tomorrow? Next week? Next year? Why not next year? No reason not to continue, no reason to continue.

Your wife still knows you, sometimes. She has Alzheimer's and you continue to visit her, on the days you're able to. Your daughters, the two remaining ones out of five children, live far away and can't visit very often. You have other relatives close by, a grandson perhaps. You feel like you're waiting for something, but you're not sure what. Or you know exactly what you're waiting for but not how long you'll be waiting.

No one knows.

And what do you do while you wait? Do you wake up each day and say, "Aha! I made it another day!" Or do you wake up each day and say, "Oh, another day."

This is not a good time to start any projects that may take any amount of time, is it? You like to finish things, you like to live life cleanly and neatly, and if you start something now you may not be able to finish.

You've been to the Great Wall of China. When you were much younger, in your eighties perhaps. You have done most of the things you set out to do. You've accomplished more than most people can imagine. Was it enough? Or do you wonder if there's any time left to do that last little thing?

Is there any time left? No one knows. Maybe you know exactly how much time you have left, maybe it's a secret you keep to yourself.

Everyone waits. If you know, we don't suspect it. We won't be able to say it was a surprise, but that won't lessen the impact. For many of us, you've been the one constant in our lives for . . . well, all our lives. It doesn't bear contemplation.

We are not happy with the situation but there is nothing anyone can do. We wait, and we hope you last just a bit longer because we're not ready yet. But what about you?

This is, after all, about you, not about us. It doesn't matter what we're ready for, or what we're not ready for, and it doesn't matter what plans we've made for you. You hope for 101. That's only 2 months away. It's certainly possible. And then what? 102? 103? How long can we count on you being indestructible?

Forever?

We wish.

In 1904 you were born, and you were born blue. And it never really mattered, did it, except for the naps you had to take every day?

How are you today? Are you awake yet? What will you do with yourself today? Take a nap after breakfast, and one before lunch? Will people keep asking you how you're doing?

Of course they will. And what will you say?

We wait to hear how you are.

That's all that really matters to us: how are you?